forgiveness

This is going to be long, but please stick with me. I'm going to be completely honest here and say that forgiveness is probably the hardest thing for me to understand. At what point can I truly say, "Yes, I have forgiven you," and know that it's true?

Like so many other qualities, I've come to realize that forgiveness must be an act of God working in and through us. When I meet a person who is completely unloveable, I know that I am unable to give of my own love, but must choose to rely on the love God has for that person. To quote a friend, "No, I do not like him. In fact, I cannot stand to be around him. But Christ in me loves Him, so I must love Him, too." Forgiveness is no different.

We did not ask to be forgiven. We never apologized to God before Christ died for us. Christ died in our place in order to buy our forgiveness, knowing that until the end of time people will continue to deny that He even exists. I must choose whether I will accept that forgiveness, but it was offered to me before I even wanted it.

It cost much for us to be forgiven. Rather than enjoy watching us receive the due consequences of our stubborn independence, Christ humbled Himself to be among the people He would be tortured and killed for. He gave up all that He deserved and offered me all that I do not.

I benefit greatly from being forgiven. Because of Christ's sacrifice, I can live in God's mercy instead of under His justice. I know that God rejoices in my growth, and does not delight in my pain. Because I am forgiven, although sometimes my actions do not please Him, my relationship with God will never be in question.

I must forgive as God forgives. I've had my feelings hurt a few times, mostly by "friends" and for no apparent reason. Perhaps they feel no regret, but I think unless we can forgive, we all carry that kind of hurt through life like a curse or a disease. Unforgiveness will haunt you, will eat you alive like a parasite, and it will poison every relationship for the rest of your life until you deal with it. If nurtured, it will grow up to become hate, and once that seeps into your bones, you may never recover. I must forgive, or die a slow and lonely death; it is the only option.

I've always considered myself a peace-loving person, willing to overlook faults and get along with people. But more than once I've found myself on my knees, crying to God out of desperate incapacity to forgive an individual. I tried positive thinking, I tried making excuses for her, I even tried being nice to her -- "fake it till you make it." I had never in my life come so close to hating a person, and it was a scary place. I didn't know what else to do except to ask God to change my heart, to scoop out all the hatred, to refill me with forgiveness that had not been asked for and love that had been returned with hurt.

Next, I began to pray for that person. This was hard. At first my prayers sounded more like battle cries, but again I asked God to help me even in my prayers, and soon they became pleas on her behalf. This cost me some serious pride. After examining my actions, I felt strongly that I had every right to be angry, and that there was nothing I had done to deserve this hurt. I even knew others who had been treated the same way, yet I was praying for this person? Why? Because I must forgive.

Sometimes we do things that surprise even ourselves, both good and bad. I once advised someone who sometimes offended me to talk with my boss about a job! I once joined in a negative conversation about a close friend. A few days ago, I found out that the person I've been trying for so long to forgive has experienced great blessings in her life, and I was glad for her.

To be happy for someone who once made me unhappy -- I think this is the proof of forgiveness.

I take no credit for this change in my heart.