I found this today in some old writings. I wrote it the day before I met the man I would marry.
---
Maybe you’ve been there before -- maybe not, I don’t know.
You’re trying to be open and honest about something, to be serious for a change, and they laugh.
You’re being yourself, casually talking about something that’s part of your everyday life, and they look at you like you’re crazy.
And then it hits you -- other people don’t think that way, don’t live that way.
I won’t lie and say I haven’t cried a few times over these reminders that I’m different.
Why? Why is it so upsetting to be confronted by the fact that other people don’t understand? Why do we as a culture, as a species, have such an aversion to honesty? It’s a good thing, or could be if we would all live by it, but have fun waiting for that to happen.
I don’t know why people respond the way they sometimes do to honesty, specifically when someone else’s honesty doesn’t match their own. But I think I know why their responses bother me.
Honesty is only one of many battles I’ve fought, lost, then finally let grace fight and win for me. It took three flat irons, countless bottles of anti-frizz shampoo, twelve years of gut-wrenching piano recitals, and a year of literally trying to turn off my feelings before I realized: I am a real person. I am not a robot. It hurts when people laugh at you, and that’s ok. Public performances make me want to vomit, and that’s ok. I’m twenty-five years old and don’t know how to fix my hair, and that’s ok.
Yes, I sometimes eat alone.
Yes, I want to adopt children from overseas.
Yes, I’d like to get married before I turn 30.
Yes, I get agitated when I’m in a room with more than eight people.
And that’s ok.
It bothers me when people don’t respond well to honesty because, well, being honest with them represents years of learning to be honest with myself. They don’t know it, but they’re saying that what for me is a huge personal victory is really no big deal. Believe me, it’s a big deal.
I’m sure they have personal battles, whether won or lost, that maybe they’re not so open about. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why my honesty comes as an affront to them -- because honesty is a battle they’re still fighting.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Before you meet Prince Charming
In case you didn’t know, which is pretty much impossible considering the shamelessly sappy tweets and facebook posts I’ve been rolling out for the past few months, I’m getting married. In three weeks. What the heck?!
It’s been a year and a half of big changes, bigger challenges, and enormous lessons for both me and my future husband (that still sounds so weird to me). So of course I’ve been pondering the cliche question of “what would I say to my younger, pre-European-romance self,” and this is pretty much what I’ve come up with. Take it with a grain of salt -- I’m not married yet!
8 things to do before you meet Prince Charming...
1. Stop planning your wedding. Admittedly, I say this in part because my pinterest board was full of Hobby Lobby projects and rental websites that are 100% irrelevant considering that my wedding will be in another country. But the real idea here is that we want a wedding that represents us, not just me. Planning our wedding together has been the sweetest period of our relationship, and I love knowing that every part of our special day is something we built together. I recommend exchanging your "future dream wedding with unidentified male" Pinterest board to something along the lines of "feeding men 101."
2. Cook. Men are hungry. Enough said. And speaking of eating...
3. Develop healthy habits, both physically and spiritually. My own flaws and insecurities directly affect the person I love the most, so work on those, for both of your sakes. Read the Bible every day. Set aside some time for exercise. Eat real food (see #2). Taking care of yourself is the best practice for caring for someone else. And speaking of caring...
4. Work on other relationships, especially with family and close friends. Learn to apologize and to forgive. Learn to discern which issues to address and which to let go. If you don’t know how to get along with people now, or keep friends for more than six months, what makes you think it will get any easier when the person you need to get along with is a permanent, ever-present part of you life? Some days are full of sparkly butterflies, others you just find coffee grounds in the sink (pet peeve!!!). Practice looking at every situation from the perspective of building others up, not tearing them down. And speaking of others...
5. Learn to put others first. This gets harder the longer you remain single, because you simply don’t have to consider anyone else’s interests but your own. Maybe it sounds spiritual, and it is, but this is a practical issue, too. Sure, sometimes it’s going to church mid-week when you don’t feel like it because you know he needs the spiritual community. Other times it’s washing a load of his nasty work clothes, even though you really wanted your delicate lace shirt clean for tomorrow. Either way, it means your wants come after his/our needs. Practice thinking of others now, in everyday situations, in preparation for a lifetime of thinking of “him” and “us” instead of just “me.”
6. Evaluate what defines you. If my identity had been based on my age, nationality, family background, education, or career, I would’ve rejected the person God had prepared for me, because we are completely different in all of those areas. What we do have in common (among many other things) is a relationship with Christ, and a desire to serve God and others with the unique gifts He’s given us. Some of the differences I initially thought would make us wrong for each other have turned out to be huge blessings, and others are just irrelevant when it comes to everyday life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, but make sure they’re based on things that really matter. To quote a former pastor, “look for character traits, not characteristics.” Let God show you what’s important, and then trust Him to fulfill your heart’s desires in the little things. He will. Which brings me to #7...
7. Practice walking by faith. This one is long.
When we were moving toward engagement, our pastor here gave us one piece of advice: “Marriage is an act of faith.” This had been our perspective even since before we met. We both prayed and trusted God to provide a spouse, and entered our relationship trusting God to make His plan clear, which He did to both of us, and soon. Once we were convinced that this thing was from God, every part of our relationship was supported by that confidence. Instead of weighing flaws and debating whether or not we were "right" for each other, we spent the months leading up to our engagement constantly marveling at and celebrating the way God had prepared us for our life together, working to bring us to each other at just the right time. It didn't matter what we found out about each other -- and we were both scary honest about ourselves -- because our commitment to this relationship was and is an extension of our general surrender to God's will for our lives. For every question mark, there were ten confirmations that this was it. Period.
Of course you should use discernment and listen to input from people who care about you, but our human perspective is limited and often flawed (see #6). Ultimately it comes down to seeking God’s will and acting in the faith that He has a plan and knows what’s best for both of you. And take it from me: It’s a lot easier to trust God with the big things, like your marriage, after having already trusted Him in every other part of your life. This takes me to my last, and biggest, piece of advice...
8. Believe in God’s sovereignty. This is apparently a little controversial in Christian communities, but for me it was always obvious -- God has a plan! He cares about who you marry! Yes, I believe that God has a specific person prepared for each of us to marry. I believe He is absolutely in control of every area of my life, including and especially my marriage. I already blogged about this subject here: sovereignty and cookies. I also highly recommend the book "As Silver Refined," by Kay Arthur, which helped me a lot in learning about God's sovereignty, even in times of uncertainty. (You’re still single, so you have plenty of time to read, right?)
Well, I think I’ve said enough on this subject. In short, stop searching. Stop expecting. Stop chasing relationships that don’t seem to be happening on your time. Pray, grow, live, and let God work. He will make it happen, He will make His plan clear, and He will bless enormously when you acknowledge and trust His control.
More, sappier, and more entertaining posts coming up in the following weeks! Get ready!
It’s been a year and a half of big changes, bigger challenges, and enormous lessons for both me and my future husband (that still sounds so weird to me). So of course I’ve been pondering the cliche question of “what would I say to my younger, pre-European-romance self,” and this is pretty much what I’ve come up with. Take it with a grain of salt -- I’m not married yet!
8 things to do before you meet Prince Charming...
1. Stop planning your wedding. Admittedly, I say this in part because my pinterest board was full of Hobby Lobby projects and rental websites that are 100% irrelevant considering that my wedding will be in another country. But the real idea here is that we want a wedding that represents us, not just me. Planning our wedding together has been the sweetest period of our relationship, and I love knowing that every part of our special day is something we built together. I recommend exchanging your "future dream wedding with unidentified male" Pinterest board to something along the lines of "feeding men 101."
2. Cook. Men are hungry. Enough said. And speaking of eating...
3. Develop healthy habits, both physically and spiritually. My own flaws and insecurities directly affect the person I love the most, so work on those, for both of your sakes. Read the Bible every day. Set aside some time for exercise. Eat real food (see #2). Taking care of yourself is the best practice for caring for someone else. And speaking of caring...
4. Work on other relationships, especially with family and close friends. Learn to apologize and to forgive. Learn to discern which issues to address and which to let go. If you don’t know how to get along with people now, or keep friends for more than six months, what makes you think it will get any easier when the person you need to get along with is a permanent, ever-present part of you life? Some days are full of sparkly butterflies, others you just find coffee grounds in the sink (pet peeve!!!). Practice looking at every situation from the perspective of building others up, not tearing them down. And speaking of others...
5. Learn to put others first. This gets harder the longer you remain single, because you simply don’t have to consider anyone else’s interests but your own. Maybe it sounds spiritual, and it is, but this is a practical issue, too. Sure, sometimes it’s going to church mid-week when you don’t feel like it because you know he needs the spiritual community. Other times it’s washing a load of his nasty work clothes, even though you really wanted your delicate lace shirt clean for tomorrow. Either way, it means your wants come after his/our needs. Practice thinking of others now, in everyday situations, in preparation for a lifetime of thinking of “him” and “us” instead of just “me.”
6. Evaluate what defines you. If my identity had been based on my age, nationality, family background, education, or career, I would’ve rejected the person God had prepared for me, because we are completely different in all of those areas. What we do have in common (among many other things) is a relationship with Christ, and a desire to serve God and others with the unique gifts He’s given us. Some of the differences I initially thought would make us wrong for each other have turned out to be huge blessings, and others are just irrelevant when it comes to everyday life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, but make sure they’re based on things that really matter. To quote a former pastor, “look for character traits, not characteristics.” Let God show you what’s important, and then trust Him to fulfill your heart’s desires in the little things. He will. Which brings me to #7...
7. Practice walking by faith. This one is long.
When we were moving toward engagement, our pastor here gave us one piece of advice: “Marriage is an act of faith.” This had been our perspective even since before we met. We both prayed and trusted God to provide a spouse, and entered our relationship trusting God to make His plan clear, which He did to both of us, and soon. Once we were convinced that this thing was from God, every part of our relationship was supported by that confidence. Instead of weighing flaws and debating whether or not we were "right" for each other, we spent the months leading up to our engagement constantly marveling at and celebrating the way God had prepared us for our life together, working to bring us to each other at just the right time. It didn't matter what we found out about each other -- and we were both scary honest about ourselves -- because our commitment to this relationship was and is an extension of our general surrender to God's will for our lives. For every question mark, there were ten confirmations that this was it. Period.
Of course you should use discernment and listen to input from people who care about you, but our human perspective is limited and often flawed (see #6). Ultimately it comes down to seeking God’s will and acting in the faith that He has a plan and knows what’s best for both of you. And take it from me: It’s a lot easier to trust God with the big things, like your marriage, after having already trusted Him in every other part of your life. This takes me to my last, and biggest, piece of advice...
8. Believe in God’s sovereignty. This is apparently a little controversial in Christian communities, but for me it was always obvious -- God has a plan! He cares about who you marry! Yes, I believe that God has a specific person prepared for each of us to marry. I believe He is absolutely in control of every area of my life, including and especially my marriage. I already blogged about this subject here: sovereignty and cookies. I also highly recommend the book "As Silver Refined," by Kay Arthur, which helped me a lot in learning about God's sovereignty, even in times of uncertainty. (You’re still single, so you have plenty of time to read, right?)
Well, I think I’ve said enough on this subject. In short, stop searching. Stop expecting. Stop chasing relationships that don’t seem to be happening on your time. Pray, grow, live, and let God work. He will make it happen, He will make His plan clear, and He will bless enormously when you acknowledge and trust His control.
More, sappier, and more entertaining posts coming up in the following weeks! Get ready!
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Goodbye people-pleasing, hello healthy!
I don't have a new year's resolution, but this year I do want to
learn to think in terms of what's good for me. I'm not talking about
being self-centered, but about not being a people-pleaser. It's a
problem for me, and I need to learn how to balance doing good for others
with taking care of myself. I must admit, it feels pretty empowering to
make a choice based on what's physically and emotionally healthy!
4 real things I’ve done recently that made me feel powerful:
1. Not inviting people I don’t like to my wedding.
There’s this teacher I worked with for the past two years who drove me crazy. She’s the kind of person who always looks like a model for the cover of "Kindergarten Teacher Magazine," and can give you a compliment that actually makes you feel worse, not better. Somehow things just always manage to go her way, no matter how badly it screws up someone else's tight schedule. She's what I call a "workplace diva bully." I have no hard feelings toward her, but I'm not upset about the fact that I no longer work with her class. And because I no longer consider her a co-worker, and she was never a friend, I don't feel obligated to put her on the list of co-workers/friends with whom I'd like to share my special day. It's that simple.
2. Wearing earrings to a legalistic church.
We love our church. It’s a 5-year-old church plant in a poverty-stricken neighborhood. People come to church in whatever clothes they have -- yes, even pants on women! Some even have earrings! *gasp* For the first time in my life, the question of what to wear on Sunday morning doesn’t stress me out. If it matches and doesn’t stink, it’s good, because we just want to see people worshiping and feeling welcome in God's house. But then there’s this other church in town that we frequented when we first met because, frankly, it’s a cheap date and a great place to show off your new arm candy. It’s a big church with a lot of decent people, but we don’t particularly like going there because the atmosphere is just a little legalistic. Too many rules. But since we’re getting married and need to give invitations to people we’d likely run into at that church, we decided to show up last Sunday night. Cue mass wardrobe panic. His shirt collar has a smudge! I haven’t done laundry in over a week! My skirt hem is wrinkled! Does this even match? My knees are showing! Then there was a little discourse about how this should not be such a problem and how we always feel like the congregation is inspecting our wardrobe. Seriously, there’s a sign at the door: “Entrance with decent attire only.” So naturally we smoothed our hems and dabbed our collars and ran out the door. But as a tiny sign of protest against ridiculous social norms in the church, I wore earrings. Bam!
3. Dress-shopping with my groom.
I know, it's horrible bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress. But I'm gonna be honest here, I have very picky taste in clothes. I like to feel good in what I'm wearing, and I want my clothes to reflect my personality. I don't know a single girl here who shares my taste or knows what I want to look and feel like on my wedding day. My groom, on the other hand, has excellent taste and knows what I like even better than I do sometimes. His opinion means more to me than anyone else's. He knows how to handle me when I'm stressed, and buying a wedding dress is very stressful. He also has a car, and the wedding dress stores are an hour away. So despite the shocks and screeches from many girls who couldn't believe I would go with him, it seemed like the most obvious choice to me. Whatever.
4. Eating an orange and a granola bar when I really wanted an apple turnover.
This has nothing to do with being a people-pleaser, but it was a healthy choice, so I'm including it, anyway. My future mother-in-law makes these irresistable little finger cakes, and I ate a few too many over the Christmas break. Now that the holidays are over, I’m trying to get back on track. This means making a lot of tough choices for a sweets-lover like myself. Yesterday I got hungry while I was in town, and my first thought was the delicious apple turnovers downtown for 2.50 Lei (less than a dollar). But then I thought of my waist and my wedding dress, so I headed to the fruit stand instead. I got 4 mandarins and a granola bar for the same money and half the calories. I should add that I only ate one mandarin, not all four. Go me!
I'm can't say for sure how long it will last, but so far, I'm really enjoying this new-found courage to do what makes for the happiest, healthiest Becky in 2015. Try it and see for yourself!
4 real things I’ve done recently that made me feel powerful:
1. Not inviting people I don’t like to my wedding.
There’s this teacher I worked with for the past two years who drove me crazy. She’s the kind of person who always looks like a model for the cover of "Kindergarten Teacher Magazine," and can give you a compliment that actually makes you feel worse, not better. Somehow things just always manage to go her way, no matter how badly it screws up someone else's tight schedule. She's what I call a "workplace diva bully." I have no hard feelings toward her, but I'm not upset about the fact that I no longer work with her class. And because I no longer consider her a co-worker, and she was never a friend, I don't feel obligated to put her on the list of co-workers/friends with whom I'd like to share my special day. It's that simple.
2. Wearing earrings to a legalistic church.
We love our church. It’s a 5-year-old church plant in a poverty-stricken neighborhood. People come to church in whatever clothes they have -- yes, even pants on women! Some even have earrings! *gasp* For the first time in my life, the question of what to wear on Sunday morning doesn’t stress me out. If it matches and doesn’t stink, it’s good, because we just want to see people worshiping and feeling welcome in God's house. But then there’s this other church in town that we frequented when we first met because, frankly, it’s a cheap date and a great place to show off your new arm candy. It’s a big church with a lot of decent people, but we don’t particularly like going there because the atmosphere is just a little legalistic. Too many rules. But since we’re getting married and need to give invitations to people we’d likely run into at that church, we decided to show up last Sunday night. Cue mass wardrobe panic. His shirt collar has a smudge! I haven’t done laundry in over a week! My skirt hem is wrinkled! Does this even match? My knees are showing! Then there was a little discourse about how this should not be such a problem and how we always feel like the congregation is inspecting our wardrobe. Seriously, there’s a sign at the door: “Entrance with decent attire only.” So naturally we smoothed our hems and dabbed our collars and ran out the door. But as a tiny sign of protest against ridiculous social norms in the church, I wore earrings. Bam!
3. Dress-shopping with my groom.
I know, it's horrible bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress. But I'm gonna be honest here, I have very picky taste in clothes. I like to feel good in what I'm wearing, and I want my clothes to reflect my personality. I don't know a single girl here who shares my taste or knows what I want to look and feel like on my wedding day. My groom, on the other hand, has excellent taste and knows what I like even better than I do sometimes. His opinion means more to me than anyone else's. He knows how to handle me when I'm stressed, and buying a wedding dress is very stressful. He also has a car, and the wedding dress stores are an hour away. So despite the shocks and screeches from many girls who couldn't believe I would go with him, it seemed like the most obvious choice to me. Whatever.
4. Eating an orange and a granola bar when I really wanted an apple turnover.
This has nothing to do with being a people-pleaser, but it was a healthy choice, so I'm including it, anyway. My future mother-in-law makes these irresistable little finger cakes, and I ate a few too many over the Christmas break. Now that the holidays are over, I’m trying to get back on track. This means making a lot of tough choices for a sweets-lover like myself. Yesterday I got hungry while I was in town, and my first thought was the delicious apple turnovers downtown for 2.50 Lei (less than a dollar). But then I thought of my waist and my wedding dress, so I headed to the fruit stand instead. I got 4 mandarins and a granola bar for the same money and half the calories. I should add that I only ate one mandarin, not all four. Go me!
I'm can't say for sure how long it will last, but so far, I'm really enjoying this new-found courage to do what makes for the happiest, healthiest Becky in 2015. Try it and see for yourself!
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