Honesty

I found this today in some old writings. I wrote it the day before I met the man I would marry.

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Maybe you’ve been there before -- maybe not, I don’t know.

You’re trying to be open and honest about something, to be serious for a change, and they laugh.

You’re being yourself, casually talking about something that’s part of your everyday life, and they look at you like you’re crazy.

And then it hits you -- other people don’t think that way, don’t live that way.

I won’t lie and say I haven’t cried a few times over these reminders that I’m different.

Why? Why is it so upsetting to be confronted by the fact that other people don’t understand? Why do we as a culture, as a species, have such an aversion to honesty? It’s a good thing, or could be if we would all live by it, but have fun waiting for that to happen.

I don’t know why people respond the way they sometimes do to honesty, specifically when someone else’s honesty doesn’t match their own. But I think I know why their responses bother me.

Honesty is only one of many battles I’ve fought, lost, then finally let grace fight and win for me. It took three flat irons, countless bottles of anti-frizz shampoo, twelve years of gut-wrenching piano recitals, and a year of literally trying to turn off my feelings before I realized: I am a real person. I am not a robot. It hurts when people laugh at you, and that’s ok. Public performances make me want to vomit, and that’s ok. I’m twenty-five years old and don’t know how to fix my hair, and that’s ok.

Yes, I sometimes eat alone.

Yes, I want to adopt children from overseas.

Yes, I’d like to get married before I turn 30.

Yes, I get agitated when I’m in a room with more than eight people.

And that’s ok.

It bothers me when people don’t respond well to honesty because, well, being honest with them represents years of learning to be honest with myself. They don’t know it, but they’re saying that what for me is a huge personal victory is really no big deal. Believe me, it’s a big deal.

I’m sure they have personal battles, whether won or lost, that maybe they’re not so open about. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why my honesty comes as an affront to them -- because honesty is a battle they’re still fighting.