Before you meet Prince Charming

In case you didn’t know, which is pretty much impossible considering the shamelessly sappy tweets and facebook posts I’ve been rolling out for the past few months, I’m getting married. In three weeks. What the heck?!

It’s been a year and a half of big changes, bigger challenges, and enormous lessons for both me and my future husband (that still sounds so weird to me). So of course I’ve been pondering the cliche question of “what would I say to my younger, pre-European-romance self,” and this is pretty much what I’ve come up with. Take it with a grain of salt -- I’m not married yet!

8 things to do before you meet Prince Charming...
1. Stop planning your wedding. Admittedly, I say this in part because my pinterest board was full of Hobby Lobby projects and rental websites that are 100% irrelevant considering that my wedding will be in another country. But the real idea here is that we want a wedding that represents us, not just me. Planning our wedding together has been the sweetest period of our relationship, and I love knowing that every part of our special day is something we built together. I recommend exchanging your "future dream wedding with unidentified male" Pinterest board to something along the lines of "feeding men 101."

2. Cook. Men are hungry. Enough said. And speaking of eating...

3. Develop healthy habits, both physically and spiritually. My own flaws and insecurities directly affect the person I love the most, so work on those, for both of your sakes. Read the Bible every day. Set aside some time for exercise. Eat real food (see #2). Taking care of yourself is the best practice for caring for someone else. And speaking of caring...

4. Work on other relationships, especially with family and close friends. Learn to apologize and to forgive. Learn to discern which issues to address and which to let go. If you don’t know how to get along with people now, or keep friends for more than six months, what makes you think it will get any easier when the person you need to get along with is a permanent, ever-present part of you life? Some days are full of sparkly butterflies, others you just find coffee grounds in the sink (pet peeve!!!). Practice looking at every situation from the perspective of building others up, not tearing them down. And speaking of others...

5. Learn to put others first. This gets harder the longer you remain single, because you simply don’t have to consider anyone else’s interests but your own. Maybe it sounds spiritual, and it is, but this is a practical issue, too. Sure, sometimes it’s going to church mid-week when you don’t feel like it because you know he needs the spiritual community. Other times it’s washing a load of his nasty work clothes, even though you really wanted your delicate lace shirt clean for tomorrow. Either way, it means your wants come after his/our needs. Practice thinking of others now, in everyday situations, in preparation for a lifetime of thinking of “him” and “us” instead of just “me.”

6. Evaluate what defines you. If my identity had been based on my age, nationality, family background, education, or career, I would’ve rejected the person God had prepared for me, because we are completely different in all of those areas. What we do have in common (among many other things) is a relationship with Christ, and a desire to serve God and others with the unique gifts He’s given us. Some of the differences I initially thought would make us wrong for each other have turned out to be huge blessings, and others are just irrelevant when it comes to everyday life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, but make sure they’re based on things that really matter. To quote a former pastor, “look for character traits, not characteristics.” Let God show you what’s important, and then trust Him to fulfill your heart’s desires in the little things. He will. Which brings me to #7...

7. Practice walking by faith. This one is long.
When we were moving toward engagement, our pastor here gave us one piece of advice: “Marriage is an act of faith.” This had been our perspective even since before we met. We both prayed and trusted God to provide a spouse, and entered our relationship trusting God to make His plan clear, which He did to both of us, and soon. Once we were convinced that this thing was from God, every part of our relationship was supported by that confidence. Instead of weighing flaws and debating whether or not we were "right" for each other, we spent the months leading up to our engagement constantly marveling at and celebrating the way God had prepared us for our life together, working to bring us to each other at just the right time. It didn't matter what we found out about each other -- and we were both scary honest about ourselves -- because our commitment to this relationship was and is an extension of our general surrender to God's will for our lives. For every question mark, there were ten confirmations that this was it. Period.

Of course you should use discernment and listen to input from people who care about you, but our human perspective is limited and often flawed (see #6). Ultimately it comes down to seeking God’s will and acting in the faith that He has a plan and knows what’s best for both of you. And take it from me: It’s a lot easier to trust God with the big things, like your marriage, after having already trusted Him in every other part of your life. This takes me to my last, and biggest, piece of advice...

8. Believe in God’s sovereignty. This is apparently a little controversial in Christian communities, but for me it was always obvious -- God has a plan! He cares about who you marry! Yes, I believe that God has a specific person prepared for each of us to marry. I believe He is absolutely in control of every area of my life, including and especially my marriage. I already blogged about this subject here: sovereignty and cookies. I also highly recommend the book "As Silver Refined," by Kay Arthur, which helped me a lot in learning about God's sovereignty, even in times of uncertainty. (You’re still single, so you have plenty of time to read, right?)

Well, I think I’ve said enough on this subject. In short, stop searching. Stop expecting. Stop chasing relationships that don’t seem to be happening on your time. Pray, grow, live, and let God work. He will make it happen, He will make His plan clear, and He will bless enormously when you acknowledge and trust His control.

More, sappier, and more entertaining posts coming up in the following weeks! Get ready!

Goodbye people-pleasing, hello healthy!

I don't have a new year's resolution, but this year I do want to learn to think in terms of what's good for me. I'm not talking about being self-centered, but about not being a people-pleaser. It's a problem for me, and I need to learn how to balance doing good for others with taking care of myself. I must admit, it feels pretty empowering to make a choice based on what's physically and emotionally healthy!

4 real things I’ve done recently that made me feel powerful:

1. Not inviting people I don’t like to my wedding.

There’s this teacher I worked with for the past two years who drove me crazy. She’s the kind of person who always looks like a model for the cover of "Kindergarten Teacher Magazine," and can give you a compliment that actually makes you feel worse, not better. Somehow things just always manage to go her way, no matter how badly it screws up someone else's tight schedule. She's what I call a "workplace diva bully." I have no hard feelings toward her, but I'm not upset about the fact that I no longer work with her class. And because I no longer consider her a co-worker, and she was never a friend, I don't feel obligated to put her on the list of co-workers/friends with whom I'd like to share my special day. It's that simple.

2. Wearing earrings to a legalistic church.

We love our church. It’s a 5-year-old church plant in a poverty-stricken neighborhood. People come to church in whatever clothes they have -- yes, even pants on women! Some even have earrings! *gasp* For the first time in my life, the question of what to wear on Sunday morning doesn’t stress me out. If it matches and doesn’t stink, it’s good, because we just want to see people worshiping and feeling welcome in God's house. But then there’s this other church in town that we frequented when we first met because, frankly, it’s a cheap date and a great place to show off your new arm candy. It’s a big church with a lot of decent people, but we don’t particularly like going there because the atmosphere is just a little legalistic. Too many rules. But since we’re getting married and need to give invitations to people we’d likely run into at that church, we decided to show up last Sunday night. Cue mass wardrobe panic. His shirt collar has a smudge! I haven’t done laundry in over a week! My skirt hem is wrinkled! Does this even match? My knees are showing! Then there was a little discourse about how this should not be such a problem and how we always feel like the congregation is inspecting our wardrobe. Seriously, there’s a sign at the door: “Entrance with decent attire only.” So naturally we smoothed our hems and dabbed our collars and ran out the door. But as a tiny sign of protest against ridiculous social norms in the church, I wore earrings. Bam!

3. Dress-shopping with my groom.

I know, it's horrible bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress. But I'm gonna be honest here, I have very picky taste in clothes. I like to feel good in what I'm wearing, and I want my clothes to reflect my personality. I don't know a single girl here who shares my taste or knows what I want to look and feel like on my wedding day. My groom, on the other hand, has excellent taste and knows what I like even better than I do sometimes. His opinion means more to me than anyone else's. He knows how to handle me when I'm stressed, and buying a wedding dress is very stressful. He also has a car, and the wedding dress stores are an hour away. So despite the shocks and screeches from many girls who couldn't believe I would go with him, it seemed like the most obvious choice to me. Whatever.

4. Eating an orange and a granola bar when I really wanted an apple turnover.

This has nothing to do with being a people-pleaser, but it was a healthy choice, so I'm including it, anyway. My future mother-in-law makes these irresistable little finger cakes, and I ate a few too many over the Christmas break. Now that the holidays are over, I’m trying to get back on track. This means making a lot of tough choices for a sweets-lover like myself. Yesterday I got hungry while I was in town, and my first thought was the delicious apple turnovers downtown for 2.50 Lei (less than a dollar). But then I thought of my waist and my wedding dress, so I headed to the fruit stand instead. I got 4 mandarins and a granola bar for the same money and half the calories. I should add that I only ate one mandarin, not all four. Go me!

I'm can't say for sure how long it will last, but so far, I'm really enjoying this new-found courage to do what makes for the happiest, healthiest Becky in 2015. Try it and see for yourself!

Help! Part 2

Remember my last post, the one where I confessed to being double-minded and unstable in my lack of wisdom? I came to the conclusion that what I really need to do is trust God. I need to ask in faith for wisdom, believing that He will make my paths straight.

But have you tried that lately? Easier said than done!

As usual, getting to the root of a problem reveals yet another problem. My worries about needing wisdom can be traced to a general lack of trust, and underneath my lack of trust I found an even bigger mess. In the words of Deputy Fife, I need to “Nip it. Nip it in the bud.”

Help!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I've been running into these verses everywhere lately -- no coincidence, I'm sure. Let's face it, we all have trust issues sometimes, and I don't mind admitting that I worry a lot. Maybe I seem very calm and "together," but believe me, I often fall short of the meekness that rests in God's sovereignty. I don't always trust Him, sometimes because I think I have things figured out and I'm afraid He won't agree with me. But there's another kind of trust issue I've been dealing with: trusting Him for wisdom.

remind me

I've come to cherish the little reminders that He is real -- that He knows, sees, hears... cares.

I know these things in my head, and I repeat them to myself, but if your heart is anything like mine, you know how it doesn't like to listen. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

For example, there have been times in the past when I felt lonely. I knew I had friends, although they were far away, but my doubting heart just didn't feel it. "God, I know that You care, but right now I would love to hear it from someone else." Then the phone rang and I knew. He heard me. On the other end of the line I heard a friend's voice, but in it I also heard Him saying, "I know, beloved. I know."

I have a playlist on my iPod that I created specifically for my morning commute, but for some reason, this morning I was in the mood for Bethany Dillon. I just bought her new EP, so I turned to this song that's been stuck in my head for a few days.



"You say you're good to those who wait." Oh, really? When has He ever said that? I wanted to believe it, and I've been trying to believe it, but I can be a bit of a skeptic. I'm one of those annoying people who doesn't like to believe anything unless you can prove it to me from the Word. I heard these nice words in the car this morning, but as much as I like Bethany, I wasn't ready to accept them from her mouth. Where does it specifically say that in the Bible? Hmm? Today I needed it straight from Him.

"Are you really good to those who wait? Can I know that for sure?"

I let that question hang in the air for a minute before I turned my attention back to the interstate, to the challenges of high school, to my busy afternoon. I forgot about waiting. When I sat down for dinner I decided to visit a friend's blog and found that somehow I'd missed yesterday's post, which led me to Lamentations 3, where I read this:

But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

My mind immediately went back to this morning. I don't think it's a coincidence that I missed that post yesterday, heard that song this morning, and whispered that question. I wasn't even surprised to hear Him answer. "I hear you, beloved. I know. And yes, I am good to those who wait." Sometimes I think He lets us ask the questions just so He can answer that He knows, He sees, He hears... He is real.

for goodness sake?

I was thinking about my students today, with their various religious backgrounds, and I asked myself a question: What difference does it make? They are good kids who stay out of trouble, are nice to each other, and want to make a contribution in the world (well, a few of them, anyway). Does it really matter if they do it in the name of Yahweh or Allah or Dharma/Karma? Good is good, right? I know that kind of thinking is false, but it's difficult to look in the face of a beautiful girl with kind eyes and a gentle spirit and think otherwise. More than difficult, it is heart-breaking.

Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, and Kevin Arnold

[If you're short on time, skip the following paragraph and insert "long, busy day with greasy hair."]

notes from the arena

Fiction has a way of bringing out truth in strange ways -- остранение (os-trah-nen-ya). It forces us to look through a different lens so we can see things we hadn't noticed before. That's why when people say they only like true stories, I smirk. Every good story is, on some level, a true story.

Katniss, when you're in the arena... don't forget who the enemy is. 

                                                     -Haymitch Abernathy (Catching Fire)

in defense of diaries

"...and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you..."

How often do you pray for things you tell NO ONE about? Do you go to God with your secret dreams, anxieties, weaknesses? Do you go behind others' backs, or over their heads, asking Him to intervene where you can't? I do.

caffeinated mondays

Mandi Mapes | "Let It Shine" from AsiaStories on Vimeo.


Bethany Dillon has a song that I love (ok, a lot of songs that I love) that talks about her alarm going off way too early -- getting out of bed is a "small obedience." Yeah, I sing that song every morning in the shower while I attempt to wash the sleep out of my eyes.

Before the Rain: Why I like mornings now.

I may be moody, and I may whine a lot on twitter, but I can usually convince myself to be content. It takes a lot to make me lose my cool. Even so, there are a few things that really get to me, and these three top the list: the dark, snakes, and mornings (in that order).

Imagine my delight when I sensed God leading me here, to a teacher education program, which would by necessity end with at least a semester of teaching. And teaching, of course, means mornings. [cue whining] I moved forward trusting that if He could see me through the first three semesters of grad school, He could take care of one semester of early mornings and long days in public school. So this morning, at 8:05, I backed my car out of a mountain driveway and headed to school.

What on earth are you doing?

“For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly...” (Romans 12:4-6) 

My Mama likes to point out random jobs and remind me that “somebody gets paid for that.” I’m glad my college professors chose to be professors, because they’re very good at it. I have to be honest, I’m glad Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars aren’t writing worship music, because they’re much better at writing love songs. Right now I hear the garbage truck outside, and I’m thankful for the men who carry away my trash and recycling. I’m thankful for my friend who has a very ordinary job that gives her plenty of time to keep an encouraging blog. In the words of my Mama, “It takes all kinds!”

well-said, brother

I hate to be so serious lately, but I came across this and thought it fit with some things I pondered in a recent post. The following comes from a sort of trendy little orange book:

argh

I am just really frustrated today. It happens sometimes, mostly when I watch the news or go to my education classes or read the Bible. I'm frustrated with our society. I'm frustrated with our churches. I'm frustrated with our schools.

Ask anyone who's familiar with educational theory, and they'll tell you that the best teachers are the ones who teach kids to be knowledge constructors, not knowledge consumers. We should ask them questions and make them ask questions, make them think, help them form connections between what's in the textbook and what's in the world. We should give them the resources and then teach them to learn, to put facts together and build knowledge.

on the sublime (another post about mountains)

I was new in town, trying not to use my GPS, and not sure where I would end up. Just wandering.

I took in fields, barns, and windy roads while I sang along with Bethany Dillon, “our God is faithful!” Then out of what seemed like nowhere I saw a shiny lake sitting at the feet of mountains. I rolled down the windows and stuck my hand into the warm August air. I wanted to touch them. I pulled over at the lakeside recreational area and stood beside my car for what seemed like an hour, although it was probably five minutes, munching on some fruit snacks and smiling. I slipped my shoes off and felt the grass between my toes -- the warm, tickly, mountain grass. The families enjoying picnics must have thought I was a loon. I didn’t care. I wanted to wrap my arms around the mountains and hold them forever.

pure and undefiled

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." (James 1:27, NASB)

KJV calls them the "fatherless."

surprised by joy

ice cream money goes to the coffee shop...

country music comes on...
cardigans come out of storage...
trees start to show their personalities...
I drive seven hours to breathe in the peanut harvest...

It’s when I can finally lay in the grass or ride my bicycle through the neighborhood without breaking a sweat! Good things happen in October. Welcome changes come in October.

the mountains faith moved

I've climbed a few mountains lately, literally and figuratively speaking.

If faith can move the mountains, let the mountains move!

“...But now apart from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all those who believe...”

“...for we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from works of the Law.”

“For what does the Scripture say? ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.’” (Rom. 3:21-22, 28, 4:3)

acceptance

I've been reading a little book called Loneliness, by Elisabeth Elliot, which I highly recommend (as it was highly recommended to me). She often quotes C.S. Lewis and Amy Carmichael, and in the chapter I read last night she printed a poem. In my reading time this morning, I found the following articles about Robertson McQuilkin, who resigned as a college/seminary president to care for his wife, and in one of the interviews he also quotes Carmichael. I thought it no coincidence that I should find this poem twice within 24 hours when I'd never heard of it before, so I've pasted it at the bottom along with links to the McQuilkin interviews.