in defense of diaries

"...and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you..."

How often do you pray for things you tell NO ONE about? Do you go to God with your secret dreams, anxieties, weaknesses? Do you go behind others' backs, or over their heads, asking Him to intervene where you can't? I do.

Confession: If we've ever been even a little bit close, I've probably been sneaking around on you. I love to pray for people and then watch God work in their lives, sort of like the anonymous notes I used to leave on a friend's desk, or *gasp* putting money in the offering plate without my name on the envelope.

I know what they say, that "secrets don't make friends!" But I like nice secrets, and according to Matthew, God does, too.

As I read through Matthew 5-7 a few weeks ago, I got a little confused. First Jesus gives instructions for how His disciples should live, telling them that "a city on a hill cannot be hidden." Then He tells them to give, pray, and fast in secret? Make treasures in heaven, where they can't be destroyed or stolen -- or seen?

I don't know about you, but I've seen a tendency toward two extremes in my life: not showing my faith enough, and showing it too much in the wrong ways. I'm trying to change that.

I like to be open and genuine at times, but I've learned that sharing is not always caring -- sometimes it's just showing off, or more often in my case, looking everywhere but up for help. I need to convince myself that it's ok to make sacrifices only He will see. It's ok to have ambitions, desires, passions, and even questions only He knows about. It's ok to write everything in a journal and leave it there. The rewards will not be any less real for having been kept between us.

I have volumes of naive comments I'm glad I kept to myself, along with moments of faith and rewards that only I recognized and could appreciate as such. Setting aside the many pages that make me embarrassed for my younger self, sometimes it's when I look back at the secrets we share that I feel closest to Him, and can see most clearly His work in my life.

Don't be mistaken and think that I've hidden my faith; in fact, I daresay those secret exchanges have produced some of the most evident changes in who I am. And often, after the journal is full and I can see the big picture in retrospect, there does come a time to share.

In the meantime, like Mary, I ponder these things in my heart.

"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19