Sometimes I ask this question with a willing heart, eager to be of use in any way possible.
However, I too often ask in desperation and doubt. As I sit in a crowded fast food restaurant in a group of people I don't know well but who are trying to be friendly to me, secretly wishing they had just left me to enjoy my salad and onion rings alone, I have to wonder... "God, how am I going to share the truth, how am I going to encourage my brothers and sisters in their faith, when I don't know how to talk to them at all?"
As I read about a missionary's encounters with lost people in Nicaragua, and the way God is using her there, my heart burns. So many people in the world are searching for truth and hope! I know that truth and I have that hope! I'm not afraid to eat weird food... but I am afraid to leave my family. I am afraid of knowing that I could be like Job -- I may lose all that is dear to me because of my obedience. I am afraid of leaving America single and waiting years to have my own family. I know I can go for a summer, but can I go forever? Do I really have what it takes? When it looms in the not-so-distant future of real life decisions, that's a tough pill to swallow.
I claim to have a heart for the Kingdom, but I also have a flesh for my self and an enemy who taunts me. I could show you many journal entries about how I wish I could be more outgoing, less awkward, more athletic, less bookish, more like what I think I need to be. I can tell you many stories of times when I tried to change myself into the kind of person I thought God wanted in certain situations, and never with good results -- only embarrassment and regret.
But I can also tell you a lot of stories about people who shared their struggles with me, people who asked me hard questions, and people who clung to me for dear life -- because I was myself. And let me tell you, friends, those are the times when I saw God work in ways I never could have imagined. I am most useful to the Kingdom when I remember that it is Christ who saves, not my words or my efforts. Don't you think God knows before we're born what He wants to use us for, what He's going to ask us to do? I am "God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which He prepared in advance for me to do," (Eph. 2:10). I like to plan ahead, and it's comforting to know that God does, too. So why do I worry?
I worry because I listen to the voice of the liar and the father of lies (John 8:44). I listen when he tells me I'm not good enough, or just not right. I listen when he tells me I may be mistaken, when he stirs up doubts in my heart that lead me away from a life of service to the eternal Kingdom (because that's what he does). Why do I choose to listen to a LIE? A big fat lie! I want God to refine me and cover my flaws with His grace, but I also want to be the very best Rebecca I can be, genuine and obedient to the voice of God. If He wanted me to be like somebody else He would have made me somebody else, but He didn't. I can ask that question in confidence, knowing that somehow, sometime, God will use my exact personality and interests and abilities to get the job done. Most of all He will use my willing heart, and that's really all He wants.
"God, what can I do? How can I serve Your Kingdom?"
No comments:
Post a Comment